December 20th, 2025

I finally got back home for winter break! The drive was phenomenal, all of the roads were dry. That really surprised me considering that a couple nights ago it rained and then froze overnight, but I'm not complaining. I'm super excited to see my friends again, and play smash bros with my good friend/smash bros rival that I haven't played against in way too long. Lately I've been getting back into playing more games, after hardly doing that at all over the whole semeseter. I did play a match of tf2 in my dorm when I first moved in, but I got bored and didn't even finish it. I am thinking of playing some tf2 today, but we'll see. It feels like trying to text an old friend, I really want to but idk how thing are gonna go and I'm almost scared that I might still not be super interested in the game when I decide to play. But no matter how long of a break I take from tf2 I think it will always be my favorite multiplayer shooter game of all time hands down. I played some cs2 recently and I had a blast, so I'm optimistic. A game that has really been on my radar is buckshot roulette. I was playing with my best friends not too long ago in my dorm and I couldn't stop laughing. I even found myself being kinda loud, which doesn't happen a lot, but I tried my best to stay a bit quieter just to not bother my neighbors (even though they don't seem to do the same for my roommate and I).
Today on its own has been pretty chill so far. I got some decent sleep and woke up at 10am which is pretty normal for me. But last night I watched part of this documentary called "Earthlings" and it was awful. I didn't finish it and I don't think I will be able to. If you don't know, that documentary is about how animals are treated terribly by humans. First it started with how the dog breeders house their puppies in awful conditions, and then showed the inhumane side of euthanasia. That whole section was extremely hard to watch. The next section that was discussed in the documentary was slaughter houses. I couldn't make it through this one and it's where I decided to stop watching. If I remember correctly it started with showing how pigs are treated in their farms. I had to close my eyes for a majority of this and rely on the narrators words instead. Then after that the next topic was slaughter houses. I am absolutely heartbroken with what I saw in this section. Truthfully everything I saw up to that point was heartbreaking, but this part was the worst. I already knew that to kill the cows in slaughter houses they use a gun that shoots a rod into their head, and I thought that it instantly killed them. But the footage the documentary showed was a different story. From what I could understand from what the movie was saying is that some cows are killed instantly, but a lot of them are still alive and concious in the next processes that come up in the slaughtering process. The footage they showed was extremely hard to look at. The way they treat these animals like objects absolutely sickens me. I really don't recommend watching this doc, but it would be worth doing some research into these industries and how they treat animals because these kinds of problems cannot be ignored.

December 17th, 2025

Things have been feeling better lately. I just turned in my final piece of homework for this semester of college, so I am offically home free for winter break :D! I could have put some more effort into it, but I was kinda tired of it tbh. The assignment was a research proposal and an annotated bibliography, and the whole thing was getting super repetative. I've been feeling more up to do creative things like I was doing before, It has felt very freeing. Today I was messing around in fl studio, and I renade part of the song "My Red Hot Car" by Squarepusher. The drum pattern was especially fun to make, because I was quite surprised that I could mostly decipher it into the DAW, and actually get it to sound decent (by my standards at least). I realize that I haven't started incorporating javascript into this website, and I really want to, so I am going to try to study some more of that over winter break since I'll have so much free time. I heard from a friend that javascript is such a stupid programming language, so that has made me more intrigued. She told me to learn typescript instead of javascript, and idk how similar those two are but I'm gonna do some more research, because part of me doesn't want to skip learning javacsript altogether in case theres some key concepts that I need to know in there first before using typescript. I'm sure things will pan out just fine though, I'm making sure not to worry about it too much.

When I was taking my last final exam of the semester one of the other students in my computer science class showed up late and all frantic. They asked our professor if he had a spare pencil that they could borrow but he didn't so then they spoke up to the class asking if anyone had a pencil that they could borrow. I ended up giving them one of mine because for some reason before I left my dorm I snatched one of the pencils on my desk when I knew I already had one in my backpack. And because they started the test later than I did, I knew that I probably wasn't going to get the pencil back, because I didn't plan on staying there to wait for them to finish the test. I just found it interesting that I introduced myself to that person at the beginning of the semester, then we both didn't end up talking to eachother for the majority of it, but I still decided to give them my pencil. Idk I just felt nice giving it to them. And now I'm thinking about how someone has the pencil that I have been using for about half of the semester, and how they might go on to write all sorts of stuff with it. Or maybe they'll drop it and it will never be seen again, but still fun to think about. Again, the fact that I happened to have an extra pencil the day that someone needed one seemes odd to me. I hope that they did well on the test too, I wish them the best.

December 14th, 2025

Hey things have been ROUGH. I haven't had much motivation to add more stuff to this website due to my mental health tanking lately. But I figured I should vent a bit on here because I don't really have anyone to go and spill everything on my mind out on, except for one person who I've told most of the stuff on my mind to and I'm happy they listened. And another person who checked in on me when I was acting off, if either of you are reading this I hope you know who you are, and I really appreciate you both from the bottom of my heart. I woke up in the middle of the night a couple nights ago and my heart sunk to my stomach. The best I can describe how it felt was about half as bad as when I first realized my grandmother was going to die in the hospital at around this time last year. Which I guess doesn't clear it up any better for anyone reading this but it helps myself understand it better so I'm putting that tmi detail in for myself to look back on in the future. It was the worst I've felt in a long time and idk why I was hurting, but that night (I think it was the night of the 13th) just killed me. I've been very confused about my identity, and it's very hard for me to even admit it. I really need to cry bad rn, but I gotta suck it up for a little while longer until I can get back home from college :( Some music getting me through this tough time has been: USE YOUR WINGS by Lucy Bedroque, INFINITUDE // UROBOROS by Lucy Bedroque, and OBEY ME (mix) by Olswel. Those three songs are the songs of the day today.
I think I might have body dsyphoria; I constantly feel like I am not doing enough to keep my body healthy. I used to deal with it by skipping meals and trying to eat less, but I know thats not healthy and probably not doing myself any favors. I like how I look better when I do that, but I HATE how I feel. I get tired and can't do anything until I've ate, but then when I eat I feel guilty that I might be developing fat in areas that I don't want it. Sometimes I literally feel like I can feel it growing on my body, and I can feel my body getting heavier, even those feelings are probably just from stress or some other outside factor.
In more exciting news I am getting my ears pierced this winter break! I've been thinking about getting them pierced for quite a while now, and I'm finally doing it. I have had this mental image of who I want to look like in my head for a long time, and I think it's about time I stop caring what anyone else thinks and be that person. I was scrolling twitter the other day and came across this photo from some user named @gore__monger and they are basically the exact vibe I wanna give off:

I know one day things will pay off as long as I work hard for them, I just need to keep going. Over winter break I'm gonna miss the university gym so bad. It the times I get to go to the gym are the most peaceful part of my day. Hardly anyone is around, (most of the time) I get to just listen to my music as loud as I want, not use social media, and I'm helping my body the entire time? SIGN ME UP!!! Except you dont have to sign me up because I am already going hehe o(*￣︶￣*)o If you can't tell by the shift in tone, writing this blog entry has made me feel a lot better today. These past few months, ever since the beginning of summer, have felt like a long continuous transitional period in life. Part of me has really hated the feeling, but I'm trying my best to look forward to the future. Even if there might be some sad things up ahead. All I can really do is hope those things I think will happen, dont happen. I'm gonna put as much effort as possible to make those things not happen, but if they do I get that they're just things that happen in everyones life so if the time comes im just gonna have to accept it. However, that is not for a long time hopefully, so I'm just gonna work on keeping my head in the present. Thats fitting considering that christmas is coming up LOL! Anyway if you made it this far thank you for listening <3

-Nick

November 23rd, 2025

Sundays are usually not fun for me, but this Sunday was different. Not much really happened, but it has been one of the most relaxing days I have had in a long time. After two days of not going to the gym I went back and my dream came true; there was hardly any people there! I love to use the campus gym on weekends for that reason. I was planning on experimenting with some new workouts, but after a few minutes of me being up there alone someone came up and started using the stair master right infront of the machine I wanted to use for the first time (┬┬﹏┬┬) and I got nervous thinking they would look at me not knowing what I'm doing and judge me. I understand that gyms are a place that are free of judgement; everyone is there for their own reason and just doing their own thing, so it is irrational for me to think that they would be focusing on me rather than lifting the weight they came to the gym to lift. But idk I still end up getting anxious and chickening out, but I WILL overcome this eventually.
Productivity-wise they gym was the most productive I felt. I did do some algebra homework, but I am still procrastinating my cs assignment because this particular project isn't super interesting to me. Monday and Tuesday are the last days I have to work on it so I'm gonna be on the grind for that.
Something fun I was up to was playing FNAF 3 for the first time in years. Yesterday out of the blue I decided to get it on steam and play again and I am having a lot of fun. Lately pretty much any game I play hasn't been super stimulating to me unless it's a co-op game that I play with my friends, so I was super happy to have some fun on a single player game again. FNAF is quite nostalgic to me. I played it a lot as a kid and I am thinking of playing all of the classic FNAF games that I haven't tried out yet. If I do that I would need to play: Sister Location, FNAF 4, and Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria Simulator. I am most excited to play sister location, and partially Pizzeria sim because those look so polished. Also, if I feel so inclined I might try to beat FNAF world. I love Scott Cawthon's art style so much and that whole game seems so interesting to me, both with visuals and gameplay. I started playing it not that long ago but like a lot of games I have started playing lately, I lost interest after playing for a short time. With that being said, I REALLY want to have a super long attention span so I can pay attention to things I'n interested in for more than a week.
Thankfully there are a select few things that I have been interested in for quite a long time. The first one that comes to my mind is exercise. When March comes around I will have been staying active for about a year. I remember in my freshman year of highschool I told myself "I should really get going to the gym so I can get bigger." Then I went to the gym for a week after new years and stopped for the rest of the year thinking, "I have plenty of time, when I'm a junior I'll start taking the gym seriously." Then junior year came around and guess what? My unmotivated ass did NOT take the gym seriously. Then finally March 11th of 2025 during my senior year I finally started taking it serious. Of course I have had periods of time where I took breaks, whether it was my choice or not, but even with those days I think by March 11th of 2026 a majority of my year will be taken up by days I decided to be active.
The second thing I hold very close to myself and my routine is my duolingo russian lessons. I have been going strong for 426 days and I don't have plans on stopping B-). Even through I want to keep the streak alive, Duolingo SUCKS for learning Russian (and lots of other languanges from what I've heard). All they do is give me a sentence to translate, and then they do that over and over again. About all I've learned from Duolingo is words, even though it SAYS it is teaching me the cases, it never actually explains ANYTHING. It just plops a sentence in front of me, doesn't say what case the sentence is in, and asks me to translate the sentence. But I have found a website that actually teaches me things. It's russlanforfree.com. They have good lessons and actually teach you the grammar system, so I will be using that more in the future, because this is really a game changer for me. I have tried out so many language learning apps and all of them just copy doulingo, this website is absolutely a breath of fresh air after not finding anything for about 400 days.
The last thing that I have been able to hold my attention to is this website! When I made it I thought that I would end up dropping the project after one day like my last attempt to make this website in august, but idk what got into me, I just made it and didn't get bored of it (*^_^*). A little lore about why I randomly decided to make this website on November 7th, 2025, is that I saw an ad on tiktok (that I had already seen once before months ago) advertising neocities from the prospecitive of a girl saying she found out about neocities and is up trying to learn html to make her own website. After I saw that I thought "hm, I already know html and css, why haven't I made my website yet?" Then I opened my laptop and spent like 2-3 hours working on the first version of the homepage. So now this website is my child and I need to take care of it.
Also a correction that I need to make about my blog entry from the 21sst, Miya Lowe DOES actually still have a neocities page, and idk I must have typed in the url wrong last time I tried to go to it. I found out about this because I decided to checkout her soundcloud and 15 days ago she uploaded a playlist titled "https://miyalowe.neocities.org/" Which has all of the songs she included in her Resignation album.
Anyway if you read all the way to the end I appreciate you and good night.

November 21st, 2025

Today had some productiveness to it. I started my day with taking a shower in the grimy dorm showers and then went to lunch because I finished getting ready for the day at around 12pm. After eating and getting back to my dorm I just layed in bed for a while, idk today I have been extremely tired, even through I got a full night of sleep. I went to the grocery store to get these healthy jelly pouch things and I love them so much, theyre called Konjac gel or something like that and you crush the gel up in the pouch and then slurp it up. But oml theyre expensive, each one is about three dollars and I got four so YAY $12 gone becuase of that. When I got back I went to work on some of the blank tabs I have on my website; those being the games tab and the photos tab. I am going to learn some javascript to make some games, so that might take a couple weeks to get the ball rolling on that. I plan to start with something simple like a rock paper scissors game, and then hopefully work my way up to something like a virtual novel. I really want to tell stories and that seems like a fun way to do it! I have been having a little less trouble procrastinating on my homework assignments compared to last week, but I still definitely need to make some improvements. I also want to write a little more for this blog page, but sometimes I think that I don't have anything useful to say. These entries are kind of supposed to be little looks into my daily life, and my thoughts on things, but someday I would like to write something that actually has purpose like an article that is well researched and informs people about a topic that I am really into. Or a story that is able to move someone. I love 90s idm and I have been watching videos by a guy named Ramon Pang. He's a dj, music producer, and social media influencer guy, and he talks about the exact things that I'm interested in. I have also checked out his soundcloud where he releases budots remixes of songs that people submit to him and they are nothing short of extraordinary. Also shoutout to all the filipinos and filipinas who make budots, you are all awesome and make awesome music. On that note I have also noticed that one of my favorite artists of the last year, Miya Lowe, has stopped making music. I was really sad to see that because their music has really inspired me a lot. Their last album that they just put out has a lot of electro budots on it, and I still need to listen to some of it, I think that my favorite song off of it is "It is Gone Rain," which is an absolute footwork/juke bananza! I also felt pretty bad because while I was searching for the reason that Miya Lowe stopped making music I wanted to make a comment on their neocities page saying that I liked their music. But after I did that I found the note that they included in the google drive folder with her newest album and found that she is done making music because she has lost the passion that she once had for it. Once I read that I realized that maybe my comment wasn't so appropriate and I deleted it. Later I wanted to check Miya Lowe's neocities page and it was gone. So im definitly going to miss getting new music from her, but all of her old stuff is still on streaming so I can always listen to that. At this point this blog entry is turning into a reason for me to not do my homework so I'm going to end this off right here.

November 10th, 2025

Today was super chill figuratively and literally. The temperatures have dropped and winter has started so that means my dorm is super cold all the time. My friend/roomate was trying to figure out the thermostat, and we think that our room will warm up, but it's not looking good so far...
In some other news one of the buildings I go to my english class for was giving out free pins and I took this awesome cat with a paint brush. It really looks awesome!!

I didn't have much time to add to the other empty pages like the "News" tab. "News" is kinda just a place holder for now tho, im gonna come up with something better to put there!

OH and I finally figured out this hard bit of computer science assignment that was giving me a lot of trouble! The assignment is due tomorrow and I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to figure out my problem (Ill get to the problem in a sec trust me), but I just finished it and now I can relax tomorrow because its veterans day!
So the problem that was stumping me was that I couldn't figure out how to use bubble sort to sort a list of names in alphabetical order. Normally I wouldn't be having so much trouble but we started learning about "structs" in C++ and having to access the character arrays within the structs was a real headache and was making my brain overloaded with information. But eventually it just clicked and yay it's done now!
here is a screenshot of the section of code that was annoying:

November 9th, 2025

Today has been going by so fast. I woke up at 11am and had some lunch. Now I'm in my dorm, and I should be working on my homework for CS, but building this website is more fun so I added the blog page and am typing this up rn :o)

me rn------------------->

Update 5:39pm; I went to the gym and tried the stairmaster for the first time. This has REVOLUTIONIZED my gym expierence and I WILL be using it more often :D